For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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