I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
True strength comes from lack of pants
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
