I puked a lego.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Randomize
