i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
