Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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