Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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