dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My feet surprised me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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