My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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