Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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