Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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