I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
