my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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