At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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