Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
