if i can run in heels then i can drive
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
