i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
