Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
