wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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