i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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