I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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