You're completely useless in the revolution.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
