I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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