i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
