I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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