Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
