A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
