Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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