stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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