That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
