i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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