We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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