Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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