was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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