I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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