We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
