I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
