my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
