I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so let's talk penis.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
