Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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