note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
