My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
