I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
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