I wish my penis had an off switch
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
