She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
