there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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