That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
