Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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