I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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