I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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