you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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